Animal Within
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: Myrnin is slowly losing his mind - watch as he discusses his worries about the disease through the use of a song. please R


**Thank you to MsEsmeCullen for giving me this brilliantly perfect song for Myrnin as he is in the midst of his disease - hope you all enjoy it!**

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_**I can't escape this hell, so many times I've tried. But I'm still caged inside. Somebody get me through this nightmare, I can't help myself.**_

The disease is overcoming me ever more. I have been battling it since the late 1880's and I have noticed my control and senility decline most rapidly. I have fought more than anyone else has fought in the world _ever, _to be able to keep on working, to find the cure. I am the only hope to prevent our entire race from declining into complete disrepair and, ultimately, death.

For over a hundred years, I have been fighting against this disease. My determination to keep my sanity has meant over thirty vampires who became ill after me have succumbed before me. The assistance of my assistants has also helped - firstly with their knowledge and assistance, before their blood and life sustained my sanity for a time, with no interruptions with the disease.

I now have extremely short times of lucidity. I am lucky to have two hours a day, every day or two, in which to continue my research. Of course I do some research when the disease has me in it's grasp, but I cannot understand my notes when I am me, so it is pointless.

When the disease takes me, I remain sane - in my head. My mind is entirely lucid in subconscious, but the disease grasps my body. It controls my movement, my speech, and even controls my actions. I know exactly what I am doing and it sickens me. Yet the actions I take as my 'alter ego' do sustain my lucid self - if I didn't kill, the time I have as myself (even though the periods are getting expressively shorter as my disease advances) wouldn't occur. I would be dead, simple as that.

I'm caged up in my mind, unable to react. I need someone to help me survive this and to help me find a cure for this illness. Otherwise we're all dead.

_**So what if you can see the darkest side of me. No one will ever change this animal I have become. **_

Everybody stays away from me. I'm too dangerous and the majority of Morganville don't know of my existance. I'm too dangerous for that. Only Amelie, Oliver and Sam know I'm in existance and Sam is only because Amelie couldn't keep a secret from him.

I need company - when I have it I stay sane for so much longer. The solidarity of being alone only strengthens the disease and gives it more power over me. But nobody believes in me - even Amelie is losing faith. I know I'm close to a breakthrough in my search - these crystals are proof of that - but she knows I have very little time left.

_**Help me believe it's not the real me. Somebody help me tame this animal. This animal! This animal!**_

I need just someone to help me. One person who could brave the danger I pose and assist me in my final months in my search for the cure. Even as I work now, I can feel the monster from within me reaching up and trying to overtake me. I can just control it now, but I only have the strength to for a minimal time.

If someone helped... We could save our entire race.

But noone will.

Oliver hates me and doesn't believe in the disease, thinking it's just my eccentricities. Amelie won't because she's 'the Founder' and below it... Also, she has no knowledge of the sciences whatsoever. She would be more of a hindrance than a help. Sam has barely been back in Amelie's life and doesn't exactly fill me with confidence in his scientific knowledge, as most modern age teenagers don't.

But with the lack of belief in me from others, there comes the lack in belief in myself. I no longer have the entire confidence that I will find a cure... It's so much less now. I barely have any hope at all left... I need someone.

_**I can't escape myself. So many times I've lied. But there's still rage inside. Somebody get me through this nightmare. I can't control myself.**_

I cannot control myself. When a human is around me, I lose control. Unless I force myself to not kill them, instinct takes over and they die. I managed to resist killing my assistants for so long before succumbing because the disease advanced... Yet I know I have the power to not kill.

I just need someone again to help me. The rage is burning inside of me that I cannot find a solution to this disease that is going to overcome our entire race. We need a solution.

_**Somebody help me through this nightmare. I can't control myself. Somebody wake me from this nightmare, I can't escape this hell. **_

I cannot control myself. I need to, for me to have any chance of finding a cure... Otherwise we will all perish.

It feels as if I ought to be dreaming... That the last entire century has been a disgusting nightmare that I cannot wake up from. That I can only dream of being normal again without having to control this beast inside of me.

Yet I know I'm not dreaming... I know that this is reality and that scares me. The fact I'm losing myself to the beast is horrifying and if we do not act soon, we will all perish.

_**Help me believe it's not the real me. Somebody help me tame this animal! This animal I have become.**_

Help me. Help me to overcome this monster and to be able to regulate it for even a few days at a time, so we can find a cure.

Amelie needs to do something... She professes to be this brilliant ruler of her people, who will do anything for them.

She needs to get me a new assistant.

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**What did you think - the song fitted Myrnin with his illness awesomely, I think!**

**Please review!**

**Vicky xx**


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